A lot of people ask me, “Are you really okay?” or “How can you smile like this with all that’s happening in your life?”
What’s even more stupid is that some people think I don’t care about what happened, that I’m definitely okay with losing my sister. Do such people exist? How can a human not hurt for losing someone very dear?
On the other side, some of the people also feel sorry for me; those are the ones who understand me even when I don’t utter a word. Those are the ones who’ve seen the side I’ve been hiding. Even they don’t speak I can see through their eyes, how they look at me is like telling me “I wish I could hug you & heal your broken heart” and amazingly these people try to please & make me happy without being obvious of trying to make me feel better.
I sometimes feel sorry for them, I feel like they feel responsible for making me forget the dark past & help me move on.. These people aren’t even close to me but they are putting every effort out to help me. I thank them for making me feel that the world isn’t ending yet, that I deserve to live, that it’s not my fault; that it’s okay for me to live again.
I feel their love so much that I sometimes feel worried & scared. What if one day these people that loved me will have a change of heart? What if one morning they wake up and will realize that I am not worth the love & effort?
Whenever I receive many presents from these people who loved me, whenever they put so much effort for me, whenever they spend money for me, whenever I get so many blessings from the Lord I feel so scared, I feel worried and I want to pause my life and think. Why am I receiving this? Is this okay? Is it okay for me to receive this much? Is it okay to be happy for awhile? Is it okay to enjoy these things alone without my sister? Am I not supposed to live in a dark place forever until death arrives?
I honestly want to be happy, I am trying to be. Just like how these people want me to move on, I want to move on. To be really happy & to stop them from worrying.
It’s just that no matter how hard I try, a point comes in my thought that I am alone. I will be alone for the rest of my time in this world, that I won’t be able to make it. Who will I call when I’m in trouble? Who will I talk to when I need pieces of advice? Who will pay my bills when I’m short? Who will help me sneak out the house? Who will I run to when everyone turns their back on me? I am scared of the world. I am so scared.
Recently, I’ve been feeling a lot of love from these people, they invest their time & money just to see me smile. Thank you! Thank you because for a short while in a day, I get to forget that I am alone. But, please don’t work on me too much; don’t waste your efforts on me. I am not someone who deserves them. And.. Whenever you do, it makes me feel lonelier when I’m alone. It makes me more feel guilty.
Perhaps, losing her was the punishment of my wrongdoings. Let me suffer them!! I’ll carry them alone…