To my Human Diary

“That moment, I thought you’d leave but you chose to pick me up and helped me live again..”

Whenever I meet a friend, I always whisper to myself: “How I wish… How I wish this friend would be different from the others..”

As everyone can see, I have so many friends. Everybody could say! I am the type of person who smiles to anybody who crosses my way. I am a type of person who unfortunately gets taken advantage by others because of my kindness. I am the type of person who is okay with being abused as long as I have someone whom I can call a friend. But, as the saying goes “Nothing lasts forever”.

I learned that life is being wise, it’s about learning how to stand on your own. It’s not about pretending to be someone else to fit in & find friends.

So,

What in the world will I use to describe how thankful I am to you?

As I can remember, you thought I was one of the coolest girls in the university when you first saw me. You confirmed it when we first talked. When was that?

That very moment when we spoke, I knew you’d be someone dear to my heart, I just can’t determine until when you’d stay.

You treated me differently like I was a perfect glass, very soft hearted and very very fragile. I was too attached to you and got so scared to show you my dark side; I was afraid you’d see me at my worse and leave me like what others did.

I did my best to show you all the good side I have. Whenever I run into turmoil, I just hide away from you and struggle alone. Why? Because for the first time in my life, I was afraid to lose someone.

But, in this world things just don’t always turn the way we want. You saw the worst side of me, “severe depression” & “suicidal”. You looked at me & I just looked down and told myself “I just lost a friend.” I didn’t bother looking back to you anymore, I didn’t think of begging you to stay or ask you to understand the real me because I knew never in a second thought you’d leave me. Just like how other’s say, “Having a friend with depression is tiring.”

However, you unbelievably held my hand and said “It’s okay. I will listen”. You saw how shattered I was & instead of running away, you picked up the pieces & looked at me as if a brother is worried at her sister.

It felt like all the worries & pain washed away when I heard those words. Ever since my life with depression began it was the first time I heard those words & it magically lightened my heart. This is the first.

It’s been years already but you are still there; your unending patience never gives up on me & every day in this life I struggle, you give me hope that one day I will live normally & never think of hurting myself again.

I know this depression is extremely tiring; I am even tired of it myself. You were amazing, you listened to me even if I keep on repeating the same things and what’s even more amazing is that you respond to me worriedly as if it was the first time you heard me. When I tell you I want to die & leave this world you never get tired of saying: “Just wait for the Lord’s call. Don’t say anything like that.” When I tell you I feel very much unloved in this world that I am not needed here, you say “you have your family, you have me, you have your friends. The kids you help need you..” When I tell you I’m tired of waking up & living this life, you tell me “It’s okay, you can rest & live again”

You take care of me & never make me feel like a burden. You are different, whenever I tell others that I am tired, they just sigh and laugh at me and say I’m being over dramatic, others say I am trying to seek attention, and others just get angry at me for feeling the way I feel. That’s why I hide these feelings to myself & cry alone. All the people around me just want to see the good side of me. They run away, scold or belittle me if I show them my bad side. Why is depression a bad side anyway? It’s like it’s my fault that I have this. What’s making it more painful is that the people I expected to understand me are the ones who didn’t notice or worse– they knew I was suffering from depression but didn’t care because they literally do not care.

I am too scared to disappoint the people around me that’s why I keep the pain inside. No one understands me until you came & forever I will be thankful to the Lord.

I thank you for sparing your time, thank you for answering the calls even late at night, thank you for sacrificing your studies just to make sure I’m fine, thank you for enduring the shame you received from comforting me while I cry in public, thank you for making yourself a fool to make me laugh, thank you for saving me a million times, thank you for reminding me that the Lord is with me, thank you for being someone who stays with me even when I don’t deserve it and lastly, thank you for being born.

Thank you for being a helping hand when the world is trying to drown me.

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