A letter to my first love

Ever since I met you, you became my prince charming. I always wanted to marry someone like you. You were my shining armour & every time I get into troubles you become my lawyer. I get so comfortable around you. You were the only guy I needed in my life. I love you so much!

You became strict and you always corrected my mistakes in a despotic way. Even when I had a hard time, I endured everything because I know you don’t want me to talk o other boys because you are jealous, I know you don’t want me to stay out late because it’s dangerous outside. I know you are being scary because you want to protect me. I understood you!

You’ve been too scary to the point that you are hurting me. Instead of seeing you as a prince charming, you turned into a beast. I used to be comfy around you but now I am so afraid to make a move when I’m with you. Your shadow, your voice & your name makes my heart shiver in fear.. I love you, I try to understand you but I am scared of you!

What happened? You seem to have forgotten me. I hope you know how much I’ve been trying to reach out to you even when we both got hurt by what happened. It was very painful and I wish you knew that if you were beside me, I could’ve been better now. I let you go on your own because I thought it would easier for the both of us. I let you off, but I didn’t think it’d be forever.

You became so mean to me, you didn’t care a blink, you didn’t think about my feelings, you’ve totally forgotten about me. I’ve been hating you but I keep waiting for you to come back to me. Is this a part of your healing? How long will you take?

I got upset by everything that you do, but every time I tell myself it’s okay and try to reach out to you again, you just do something that makes me hate you again.. My hate towards you turned into hatred but you didn’t even notice. Did you not know or you know but you just don’t care?

You complain about my laziness, am I really lazy? I got lazy living this stupid life. Have you not even thought about why I don’t even want to wake up anymore? Have you not thought that maybe it is because it feels like no one needs me anymore.

I question my existence, why am I still here when I am not needed anymore. I feel like I am “pain” your eyes..

I keep longing for you and your warm embrace. Why am I acting like a kid again?

You’ve been gone too long, you’ve been giving me a really hard time even when you are away, you’ve been giving me so much pain… You’ve been giving me a lot to go through — a lot enough for me to hate you.

A lot enough for me to not have you in my life again, a lot enough for me to have no courage to live..

Why are you like this? why do you have to hurt me? why do you have to give me a hard time? Am so hard to love? Am I nothing to you now? I wish I could forget you. I wish I could let go of you.

Even if I fly to another planet, you would always be a part of me. So please, tell me everything. Don’t leave me puzzled and answer my questions.

Maybe you are the answer why I am drowning. Maybe you are the answer to my questions.

My feelings for you that I can’t express is trying to suffocate me. I hope you get back to me before I drown!

After all the pain you’ve given me, I will always try to understand you & I will always love you until I’m fully drowned.

Even if I carry all the burdens of the world on my back, I will always wait for you, please don’t take too long. Please come back before my back breaks.

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