I hear the rain drops and see the cloudy sky. I look everywhere and see how everything looks so gloomy. Everywhere I look; it looks like there’s no hope, no life, and no reason to live anymore.

Why is everything like this?

Every morning, it’ll be another war for me, a war of living and deal with what’s going to happen. Probably, the reason why I never want to go out & talk to other people. It’s just too tiring, I don’t want to pretend to be happy, I don’t want raise arguments, I don’t want to hear others about their problems, I don’t want to see others have a hard time, I don’t want to witness others striving so hard to survive the day. I don’t want to see more reasons why I should end living the world.

How can these people strive so hard to survive the day then sleep at night and when mornings come they just wake up and prepare to face what’s coming for the day. Every day has been like that! It’s too fast-paced; it feels like they’re in a race. After catching the breath to run and reach the line, it’s just not the end yet but another start.

I’ve always been praying for light, praying for answers to my questions: What do I really want? Will I wait for my death for the rest of my life? When will I have the courage to start living? Will I pretend to be an inspiration until the end of me? When will I stop having fears? Will I be like this forever?

Too many questions that I know only I can answer.. I keep asking, but I just do not know. Why can I not know myself? I’ve been searching for answers, I don’t want to struggle to live. I don’t want to wake up anymore. I don’t want to be hurt.. I want to go the place where I don’t have to pretend, where there’s no pain, where there is God embracing every flaw that I have, where there is God willing to accept me when I am a failure.

I don’t know what to do. If I go now, I know I won’t be accepted into God’s kingdom.. I am trapped in the world, I want to escape.

I’ve been wanting to live a life, but why does it seem so hard? I keep asking myself. I am so weak! Every time I try to be strong it just goes back to the raindrops I hear, the cloudy sky that I see and the feels of having no hope at all.


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