Never Enough

 

“Do you still remember their looks when she left? Do you still remember how you all begged to death for her to survive? Did you forget how miserable you were and the rest? Do you want that to happen again? Do you want to see them suffer again? You were one of the people who got hurt the most, you should know better.. How can you intentionally do that to the people who love you?”

That’s what this guy who claimed to love me said when he caught me hurting myself for the second time.

I’ve been hiding for a long time, I’ve been silent whole time, and I’ve been in pain for a very very long time now.

And that is because I don’t ever want people to worry about me. All the pain I feel, I’ve hidden them all deep in my heart that no one would ever see. I kept them tightly and deeply that even when I shout in pain, no one would ever hear and so, I can never be more than sorry and thankful to my heart for carrying so much.

Even in little arguments that I have with everyone, I already feel like my heart’s going to burst. I am weak, I know. I am not sure if its respect or I just fear to complicate things and my heart would give up so all I do is stay silent when I want to speak up. I eat the food offered even when I don’t feel like it and I smile and look away when I am insulted.

I don’t ever want to be a burden to anyone; even to the people, I do not know. I don’t want to be someone to anyone because I am too scared to end up as a problem. When people say hurtful things, when people pressure me, when people insult me, I just sigh and hurt on my own. I don’t dare to say back things that would hurt them because I don’t want to be someone they will remember.

I try my hardest that I sacrifice my heart and pride to take all that people throw at me. Their words that hit my heart like arrows, the words they utter that feels like my world’s going to end. It’s all in my heart, compressed and still taking in.

I feel like I just deserve to leave this world when I hear others complain about me. I didn’t do anything and if I did something to hurt you, it’s a mistake that I don’t ever mean to do.

Are my efforts not enough? I’m still alive until now after all that I’ve been through. I’ve carried so much pain that I feel like my bones are breaking. I’m suffering so much that even one little senseless thing can break me down.

I was one step next to death for so many times but I’m still here. I nearly died intentionally and unintentionally for many times and saved myself without bothering others. Why? Because every time I feel like giving up, I am always reminded by what this guy said.

Right! How can I do that again? I can’t even dare to look at them having a hard time with the simplest things. I don’t ever want them to suffer. I don’t want to be the cause of pain because I know how painful it is, I know how lonely it is, I know how miserable it is.

And what’s more painful? Is that I’ve been hating these certain people for a long time because I thought they never loved me, I thought they don’t care about me, I thought they were selfish for keeping me locked inside a cage where they can see me. I hated them for not letting me go and explore.

I’ve been so obsessed with going out and flying high. I am and I’m stupid for doubting their love for me.

I realize now why they’ve been keeping me inside, it’s because they know how cruel the world is.. they know that I’ve been doing my best to live up until now, they know I’ve been having a hard time too, they must’ve felt how much I wanted to give up, they feel the silent war I’ve been suffering inside, they see that I’m trying to stay composed and if they let me go out of their reach, they know that when I bump to little things, I would break down and might not stand up again.

I have decided to live up to where my heart can survive; I won’t ever try to stop it myself too because again, I can bear to see the ones I love hurting because of me.

But, there are really times when I get selfish, I can’t handle even the simplest thing in the world, I feel like it’s too much for me to handle. Especially times I commit mistakes that hurt other people, I feel so useless and I feel like I deserve to leave for still committing mistakes when I’ve suffered so much..

If the day comes when I helplessly break down and never stand up again, know that I wanted it. Please don’t blame me, please tell me I’ve done well. Please tell me I’ve held up well. Don’t ever be sad. I, too will tell my heart that it did a good job.

I, too will tell you, thank you for putting up with a failure like me and sorry for being a burden.

….

I am very loved by the people whom I also love but why am I still in pain like this? Why can I not let go? Why can I not find release? Why does it continue to swallow my whole being? Why do I easily get hurt when people speak to me? Why do I have to be hurt this bad that I want to give up? Why do I have to be overly affected when others blame me? Why am I never healed? Why do I still cry for no reasons? Why do I feel like my heart is always heavy? I’ve been trying so hard for so long, but whenever I get healed. I still end up feeling all the pain like it happened yesterday and missing the people who is supposed to be with me and helping me get over everything.

Yes, I still remember their looks when she left. I remember how we desperately begged for her. I did not forget how miserable I was…. because it has always been like that every day ever since the day she left. Sometimes, even in my sleep, the pain is there. I keep sighing because I need catch my breath maybe because it’s too much for me take. I’ve been receiving help from the Lord, but there are times when I just randomly break down and go back to asking why she had to leave.

So please don’t ask me to forget, don’t belittle me for not being able to move on, don’t tell me life goes on because I’ve only reached this far because of missing her. Don’t tell me I’ve mourned for so long because my life isn’t enough to let it all out. Don’t tell me it’s my choice because if I could only choose to live again, I would’ve done it before you could say. Don’t tell me I am crazy, you don’t have to state the obvious. Don’t tell me I am helpless, I’ve known that for quite some time. Don’t mock me for writing this because you will never ever feel how I’m feeling until you lose one..

I get my strength from the Lord and my parents. Even when it’s painful, I take it all for them because I don’t ever want to see them hurt and disappointed at me.

Now, if you see that I am a burden to you, just let me be alone and never go near me. I am positive that I’ll live longer if I’m untouched or deaf from your words. Don’t say anything, don’t ever go near me. I have enough, I’m good; I don’t think I can still carry more.

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