I can’t seem to voice my thoughts so I’m writing them instead.
… I still wake up in the middle of night missing you dearly. You could’ve heard me, I’m always thinking out loud.
The world you left has slowly melted and has lost its colour. The flowers you left did not seem to live together now. So close but so far.
Undeniably, many things changed after you left. Countless decisions have been put on hold and many relationships have indirectly faded.
Only one person left, but it felt like everybody did. The choices I make for my life turned very limited and the majority of them went into the hands of others. My future has been written by another author and not by yours truly.
The rightful persons who we expected to be walls at the back to serve as leaning walls have transferred in my front. The wall has grown so tall and sturdy that even sunlight cannot convey. All I see now is an achromatic world.
I had to continue what you left and fill in what has been emptied. I’ve given my all and have forgotten about who I am. I got used to having someone else decide for me, I do not even know what I want. I seem lost and every time I almost find my way, I get lost again.
Fear is being cultivated by people who should’ve shown me love. Many answers that I have not said yet for the fear of disappointing them. For the fear of breaking their hearts, for the fear of being left behind again when in fact they already left me.
A heart full of questions cannot ponder the reasons behind everything.
However, despite everything, I am letting you know that I am okay and echoingly trying to live knowing that you are beside the Lord watching over me. I wish for change but if it’s not right then I just ought to let my thoughts and voice be heard by you. I’ve been thinking out loud, but only my heart can seem to hear everything.